Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize