drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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