Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
