The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
