Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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