I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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