I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
