This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
