I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He felt like a one man threesome
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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