so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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