I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
