I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dear god my vagina.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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