You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
