i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
