I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
honey bunches of taint.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
