Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
