Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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