so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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