sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize