great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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