Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just googled if crying burns calories
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
