my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
