I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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