I cannot find my penis.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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