okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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