Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
