Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
