just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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