i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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