SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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