I just made out with a guy for $7.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
