ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
