I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
