So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
