no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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