I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize