when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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