Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
