I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize