I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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