turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
