I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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