Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
