There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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