either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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