mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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