I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
