If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
