Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
