I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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