just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
