Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
