my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
