Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
