He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's blow job season.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
