I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
