hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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