i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
