You smell like a Billy Joel song
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
