its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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