I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
