sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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