So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
