If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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