I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
