I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
