what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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