im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
