Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
