You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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