The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
