a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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