He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
