if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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